Infertility is something society rarely talks about. It’s an area we can’t relate to until it touches us personally. For years, I’ve felt like I was holding my breath – waiting, hoping, grieving silently. Today, I want to share my story because maybe by reading my words, someone out there will feel less alone.
Hopeful Beginnings
In 2018, my husband and I became pregnant. But what was initially a lot of hope and excitement quickly turned to fear and dread. After having some physical symptoms, I went to my obgyn who diagnosed me with a Pregnancy of Unknown Location. This is a situation in which the location of a pregnancy cannot be identified on an ultrasound machine. Testing of the pregnancy hormone showed that the pregnancy was not viable, and since it could not be located I was medically treated for an ectopic pregnancy to be sure that everything resolved appropriately, which took 2 months.
Fast forwarding to 2020, we had not become pregnant again so we sought out assistance through a fertility clinic. We had a few unsuccessful cycles with their support, as well as a chemical pregnancy, before deciding to move into IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). By October 2021, I was newly pregnant again but at 8.5 weeks we found out that our baby boy no longer had a heartbeat.
In May 2022, I became pregnant again and we received the shock of our lives at our first ultrasound, when we learned that our embryo had split – we were having identical twin girls! This news meant that our pregnancy was now high risk. Though everything went very smoothly for the first 18 weeks, we were then diagnosed with a partial placental abruption. I ended up giving birth to my daughters on October 10, 2022 – 22 weeks and 5 days gestation. Amelia (Twin A) was sadly born sleeping. Quinn (Twin B) was born at less than 1 lb and went straight to the NICU.
We spent 5 months at our NICU here in Connecticut before ultimately transferring to a unit in a children’s hospital in Ohio that specialized in Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia, the lung disease Quinn had acquired as a result of damage from the ventilator she’d been on.
My husband stayed here in Connecticut to work and care for our dog and home while I made the move to Ohio with Quinn. He visited us on weekends, and I soon connected with other moms in our unit that became my local support system.
In August 2023, a routine x ray detected an anomaly on Quinn’s liver. Upon further investigation, Quinn was diagnosed with hepatoblastoma (liver cancer). She underwent an ablation surgery which did remedy the issue, but unfortunately she developed a pneumothorax and passed away unexpectedly on her first birthday, October 10, 2023, in that Ohio NICU.
When I moved back home to Connecticut, without my daughter and without my job as a school counselor (I had to leave to be in Ohio with Quinn), I was left contemplating what to do with my life. I chose to make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed me and I received my life coach certification. I now work with women experiencing infertility and pregnancy/infant/child loss in a coaching capacity. Having experienced these hardships myself provides me with a unique perspective that many mental health practitioners may not have. I am honored to be able to utilize the growth and healing I have accessed myself, to help others in similar situations.
